Between the Gold: Of course I LOVE my baby... I think?

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30.4.18

Of course I LOVE my baby... I think?

I’ve been in the middle of writing my mom travel series and I got some feedback from readers on my last post that made me want to put a pause on the travel series for a second.  

I’m not the first person to be a mom. Duh of course Aysia.  But there are times you go through things as a mother and between the hustle and bustle of life and baby you forget that other moms (and sometimes dads too), are going through or have gone through the same situations.  From my breastfeeding post, I got a lot of feedback from others moms that said “me too”.  

  • I didn’t get the aha moment at my son’s birth: “me too”
  • I didn't feel a rush of emotions when looking at him: “me too”
  • I didn't have an immediate connection and it made me feel like a bad mom: “me too”


When I wrote that post I was SURE I was going to get some negative feedback.  I was sure I would receive some rude, “why would she say she didn’t love her child”, comments.  But to my surprise I didn’t.  

See I loved my son.  I mean at least I knew I was supposed to love my son. He’s my flesh, he was growing inside of me and I was literally creating him. There’s an automatic kind of love that comes with that.  But I wasn’t sure if I LOVED my son.  

Throughout my pregnancy people touched my belly.  Asked to see my ultrasounds.  Asked questions from baby names, to gender, to birth plans- honestly, sometimes it felt like outsiders were more obsessed with my baby than me.  Don’t get me wrong I loved the doctor visits where we got to hear his heart beat.  The flutters in my belly made me feel like there were butterflies all throughout my body.  Rubbing my belly, dressing my belly; it all was fun.  I LOVED being pregnant.  But did I LOVE my baby? 

Throughout my pregnancy I constantly questioned myself; “shouldn’t I feel something like magic?”, “Isn’t there supposed to be more to this whole pregnancy thing?”.  I would cry to Briean asking “does it mean I’m going to be a bad mother because I don’t have this burning, all over, body tingling LOVE for him?”. And his answer was always the same, “It’ll come”.  And I convinced myself of the same thing.  The second that I laid eyes on that beautiful baby boy that had been brewing inside me, I was definitely going to feel that immediate love.  But I didn’t and for me, it didn't happen that way. 



The moment they placed the incision and opened me up one thing was for sure, my life was changed forever.  They took Tate out, got him all cleaned up and brought him over for me to see.  This was it! The moment I was waiting for, the one where the love would just hit me like a ton of bricks.  But there was no change; no surge of love, no increase in heart rate, I don’t even think I cried. 

They stitched me all up and rolled me into the recovery room.  I wanted to hold my baby. I wanted to be present and spend time with my family but I was so drugged that what I really wanted to do was sleep.  Once up on the labor and delivery floor I was definitely in awe with the baby.  I couldn’t believe my body had made something so amazing and pure.  But yet again I felt the question lingering, do I LOVE him?

About a month later we were back in Delaware visiting my parents and I remember a conversation me and my brother had. 

He asked: “So are you like obsessed with him?”.  

I responded: “I mean not really.  I just love cuddling him.  I like feeding him and just holding his hand while I do.  I like to kiss his cheeks a lot.  I stare at him when he's sleep and just can’t seem to look away. It’s just really cool”.  

His response: “That kind of sounds like obsession to me”.

And finally it hit me. He was right. 

I obsessively LOVED this baby. 

There was this little creature in front of me, so meek and innocent, and I was completely obsessed with him.  

There was no ONE MOMENT that caused this love.  No “magical look” that captured my heart.  And that's OKAY, because instead there were all these little moments that formed into one. 



Moms you love that baby.  Even when you think you don’t, when you question your bond or connection, or even when your staring at this new squishy thing they put in your arms thinking what do I do with it. Your love for that baby knows no bounds. So throughout his life forget trying to look for special little moments and just embrace all the funny, sweet and loving moments as one. 

Trust me, that’s LOVE. 

See ya!

Aysia B. 

2 comments:

  1. Yes! This is so relatable! I had this same conversation with my aunt and almost felt guilty! But it soon my time until it really hit me! I think I was just in disbelief!

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  2. "That moment" happens at a different point for everyone...this was a really honest post.

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